Silently Suffering

I have a blessed life. God has blessed me beyond what I could have ever dreamed or imagined. I am married to my high school sweetheart. We have 5 wonderful kiddos. We live in a nice home and neighborhood. The kids go to great schools and we are part of a superb church family. All is well, right??

Noah was born December 26, 2011. What should have been an exciting, joyous time was overcast by a  little cloud of anxiety and fear. Fear of going into my 3rd C-section. All went smoothly, without complications. Thanks God for answering that prayer! Later that evening I could not get to sleep... I just kept replaying surgery over and over in my head. I was extremely anxious. I was anxious enough that the nurse noticed and suggested that I begin Zoloft the next day. Yes, I was going to talk to the nurse or doctor about my friend, Zoloft.

In case you didn't know, Zoloft used to be my best friend. We go back to when Luke was born. Well, about 8 months after he was born. I experienced Postpartum depression and that is when the love hate relationship began with Zoloft. I decided in 2000 I would remain on the drug throughout my childbearing years. Over the past 4 years I had tried to wean off of it but kept going back to it.

So, when the nurse suggested I start Zoloft the day after Noah was born, I was comforted that I would be reunited with my old, trusty friend. That was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Zoloft. About 2 days after coming home, I began noticing heart palpitations. At one point it was so bad I was coughing and taking gasping, deep breaths. I was freaked out. My mom died at the age of 46 of a heart attack. Anything that messes with my heart sets me on edge! I suspected my friend was to blame. I felt betrayed. I read the side effects list and all of the possible but rare side effects. I had almost all of them plus the ones that read, "call your doctor immediately if...." ZOLOFT, how could you???" After all these years...  It is over.

I felt great once it was out of my system. Maybe I didn't need anything. Maybe I was going to be great. Then, little by little, so subtly, weeping crept in. Irritability crept in. Then shortness with everyone and feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks. Do I dare say it? Suicidal thoughts. I have absolutely no desire to end my life but the thoughts randomly pop into my head, "my husband would be better without me." "My kids deserve a mom who loves them and cares for them better than what I can." I loved how a friend stated it. They are escape thoughts.

It is like a dark cloud resides over me. I can't really describe what this kind of suffering is like. Yes, I use the word suffering. When someone asks, "How are you?" it makes me kind of cringe. Do they really want to know what is going on???  I can walk into a room, see clutter and it makes me irrationally cry.  I have cussed more in the past 2 months than in my entire life. Just the simple tasks of folding laundry or cleaning up the kitchen seems almost impossible. Overwhelmed and agitated are the two words I would use to describe me. Just the voices of the kids or even hubby can send me over the edge. The sound of "Mom!" being yelled or the kids just picking at each other.  The dog begging for his food or water... oh boy, that one... Isolated, lonely.   A homework assignment that needs help, at supper prep time, baby starts crying... let's just say, Mommy has more than one meltdown over the past two months. Then, the guilt sets in. What kind of example am I setting for my children? Really? I need to feel guilty on top of all of this. Yes, there is this thing called Mommy Guilt and let me tell you, it is amplified when you are hitting rock bottom. It feels like I have lost the ability to respond appropriately to anything. It feels like I have no control over my emotions. There are so many emotions and feelings going at once that it cannot be conveyed into words. Simple, everyday life seems so daunting and overwhelming on most days.
 
It's not about my spirits being lifted. When I was much younger and went through this with Luke, someone suggested I was under attack by the enemy. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong believer in the Lord and have been on the frontlines of spiritual warfare. However, there are times, things just go crazy in our bodies. Now is one of those times. I have clung to Jesus so much over the past months I think my knuckles are scabby from clinging so tightly. When I was younger I believed it was all because I was not a strong enough Christian.

Just to feel normal. Enough to function properly. That's my desire. The term "happy pills" was used recently. Really? Happy? I don't care about being happy. I want to just feel normal. I have been following http://www.facebook.com/PostpartumProgress and have been encouraged by knowing that what I have been feeling and experiencing is very real. There are some very helpful tools and resources on the site. It also explains why it is so hard, so hard to make the first call for help.

I made the call. I made the call yesterday and took the first step. I saw my ob/gyn doctor today. I will be starting Lexapro and he also suggested counseling. I was relieved to hear him say that a pill (by itself) most likely won't fix it! In my previous dealings of depression, the doctors were quick to push the pills but not offer help or even chat there may be other things involved. He ordered a blood draw to check thyroid and my iron levels. I was so excited... hope... hope that I might be feeling better in the near future.

 I decided to wait until evening to go pick up the medication. So, I found a small window to run to the drug store. Apparently, my busy Dr. forgot to call it in. Really??? REALLY??? I found myself standing at the drugstore weeping. I left thinking, maybe he misunderstood and called it into the neighboring drug store. I drive over and waited in line. I was just short of emotionally losing it when the tech said "no." I, thankfully, made it to the van BEFORE I broke down. I came home crying. Once I calmed down I was able to rationalize that I can just call the doctor office tomorrow.

I am hoping that Lexapro would like to be friends.

Expecting

Ummm, yeah, that is me there. I didn't swallow a watermelon. That was taken last Sunday marking the 20th week of pregnancy. On May 11 we found out that God wants us to be a family of 7! This came as an absolute shock to me as MDR had a vasectomy 3 years ago.

After experiencing a panic attack in the bathroom and envisioning punching MDR in the face, I adjusted to the fact that we are going to be having another baby. Wow! Maybe I haven't fully adjusted.

This has, by far, been the most difficult pregnancy, emotionally. First, a baby, pregnancy... was NOT on the radar for this mama. I had hopes of going back to school to work on a nursing degree. I was enjoying all four kiddos being in school full time and still have a dream to write a book.... someday. Second, I thought was entering menopause or having thyroid trouble. My mom went through "the change" early. It made sense that some of the symptoms I was experiencing would indicate the same. Third, I am wired as a glass half empty person.... I really have to work at seeing things full! When I am not pregnant I take an antidepressant. So, you can imagine what emotions are like without medication and then add in the ever fluctuating hormones. I have been struggling... I am trusting that God will carry me and my poor husband and kids through this time.

The day I found out I was full of fear and scared. (Now, I am just tired!) I shared my fear with a friend and she led me to Jeremiah 29:11. It is a verse I am very familiar with: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I thanked her for sharing with me and I had a peace...for about an hour. In an effort to distract myself I went to a local thrift store on a quest for a piece of dining room furniture. While I am looking, I had (what I believe to be) a Holy Spirit moment. One of those times when God is trying to get my full attention. The name "Susanna Grace" was placed on my heart. I am looking around thinking, am I really experiencing what is going on?! I looked over and on the counter was a 3 ring binder filled with Bible name cards. I looked up Suzanne and the card, read, "lily of the valley." The verse? Jeremiah 29:11! I quickly looked up Grace. I don't remember which verse was on the card but I heard, "Karen, my grace is sufficient for you." How was I to process all of this? Did that mean, I was having a girl???

The next morning at the gym I was listening to my i-pod. The song Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman came on. Through that song, the Lord placed on my heart that this baby I am carrying is somehow a redemption. For that to make sense it would, most definitely, have to be a girl. (In 2002 I gave birth to Emma, born 16 weeks premature. Emma was only with us for about 35 hours before going to Jesus.) Was this going to be the sister, Elizabeth has always dreamed of having?! I could only dream!

Fast forward to August 16th, ultrasound day. I went in all excited that we would be seeing pink, once again... 3 brothers later, surely Elizabeth would be blessed with another sister!!! The doctor is scanning and scanning and can't find any genitals. The baby was lying in a breech position which made it impossible to see anything. Since I am a high risk pregnancy, I got to have a cervical ultrasound {enter sarcastic excitement there}. Once again, because of the baby's position, it was extremely difficult to see anything... I told Dr. I only wanted to know if it is a girl. He suggested that he would say "I'm not sure if it is a boy." Let's just say, he wasn't sure....

REALLY??? Are you kidding me??? Another boy??? Poor Elizabeth.... poor Mommy.... Dr. did say he wasn't positive and they would schedule another ultrasound. Although, I would love for September 1 to reveal that we will have another daughter, I am not getting my hopes up, again.

Here lies the struggle.... did I not really experience God in those early days? This has shaken me to the core. It is what Henry Blackeby refers to as a "crisis of belief." The past week has been extremely difficult for me and I have cried a lot. The dream of another daughter, a sister for Elizabeth, is most likely gone, once again. In a way, it has been like mourning Emma. Although we didn't get to make memories with her, it was the loss of the dreams and hopes we had for the little girl, daughter, sister. That is what I am experiencing.

People will ask what we are having. Am I excited to share we are having another son? No, not really. In time, I will be excited. That is why I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I would hate to be shocked like this at delivery. Will I love this baby, absolutely, I already do. Will I care for this baby, of course!

I just need time to work through this and get on with life. In the meantime, I thankful for a healthy, growing baby, kicking in the womb, regardless of the sex.

Dare to Dream?

When I created this blog it was with the intention of actually keeping up with it. Well, so much for good intentions... I noticed the date, it has been almost a year. At least I am consistent with the month. I guess it is like most things in my life. It gets put on the back burner due to priorities and others' needs.

Not long ago, and again today, I was asked what are my dreams/goals? Isn't it sad?! I couldn't think of one thing... Over the course of the day that question has been haunting me.

The two biggest dreams I have had are for Elizabeth to have a sister and to write a book. Obviously, I have no control over the first and God has no plan to fulfill that dream for me. The second, well, I have an awesome laptop that has been under the bed collecting dust waiting to be repaired. The book has been started and is on there. I can't access it, though.

I am in a valley right now and am having trouble climbing back up the mountain. I am like one of those little stray sheep Jesus mentions. (although he is talking about the lost souls, I still think we stray and need to be redirected.) I need to be led. I know there is only One who is up to the task and willing to do so. Maybe, someday, when I am up the mountain, I will dream again.

Happy Flowers

Much to my, non-greenthumb, surprise I found sunflowers growing in the backyard yesterday! I love sunflowers. They look hmm, well, like happy flowers! They are happy faces.

I went out a little bit ago to check on those cuties. Do you know what I saw? There were green vines growing up around my happys. It was kind of pretty but I thought about the fate of the sunflowers if I were to not cut out the vines. So, I got my yellow, leather gloves and the scissors and I was ready for battle. I was ready to destroy the vine that was sure to choke the beautiful yellow flower. The flower needed help to remove the enemy!

It was in that moment, God moved me. My life is not much different from that Happy Flower! I relate well to illustrations and God knows that :) I am like the sunflower, going about life and growing. All of a sudden, something attractive catches my eye and soon, it has my full attention. Isn't sin that way? It looks enticing at first. Then, after we have "given in," we realize it will choke us if we don't give it up. Sometimes, like the sunflower,we cannot let go of the vine by ourselves. We need someone to help us out. Do you have that someone to help you out?

I have been blessed to have Julie in my life. She helps keep that vine cut down! I am so thankful for her. Happy, sad, joyful, depressed, I can go to Julie with about any emotion and she will suggest,"stay intentional and focused on Him." Isn't that what it's all about? Christ and the redemption we have from the sacrifice on the cross.

Another lesson I learned from the sunflower is that, someday, I will pass away. My physical body will come to a point where it may whither away, but my soul will be in Heaven. What will be left? Will I have left a legacy for my children? Will there be some kind of indication that I was here, mattered, and made a difference? When you have time read Psalm 103.

The following from that passage answers my questions (beginning with verse 15...): As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

I love my Happy Flowers and I love that God can speak to me through the beauty of something so simple!

Purity is Priceless

Friday and Saturday have come and gone in a flash. Kind of like the toddler and adolescent years of Elizabeth. It seems like yesterday I was expecting my first baby, a girl! I have always loved the name Elizabeth and Carolyn was after my mama.
What was so big about this weekend? It was a milestone weekend. Elizabeth and I attended My Best for You. It is a seminar on God's Design for sexuality. Perfect for her age group, 5th and 6th graders. Two ladies from our church wrote the curriculum and fits their personalities great! It was awesome to see so many moms and dads there with their kids. We were all there for the same purpose. We want our precious children to save themselves for their spouses. In our culture that is becoming such a rarity. I was brought to tears a couple of times thinking about the opportunities and privileges Elizabeth has that I never did. I am so thankful and honored to be raising my young lady in a God worthy manner. For her to know, she is WORTH saving herself for marriage. She is a gift from God and has been given a gift that is for only one person. That fact was solidified for her this weekend. At the end of the seminar, the young girls and guys had the opportunity to sign a purity covenant. Elizabeth signed and dated hers as I was watching over her shoulder, praying God will give her strength in the coming years to keep that covenant! They also were to write names of others who will help them keep their covenant. It was precious to see the names of friends and family she wrote on there, mommy, dad, grandpa, grandma, teachers, friends,and friends' parents. It was at that moment I was reminded of how the church is supposed to be. We are to love one another and help each other. To hold each other accountable, even if it hurts to do so.
Two of Elizabeth's BFF's were there, Morgan and Amelia. Both of these young ladies have been an answer to prayer. I have prayed since Elizabeth was in the womb God would give her Godly best friends from strong Christian families. Anyone who knows these families, knows God has indeed answered my prayers. These 3 Musketeers will be together all the way through high school. It is my prayer that they will ALWAYS be friends through thick and thin and help each other keep their Purity Promise. At the end of the seminar all the kids got to take a "gift" off the table. It is not to be opened until their wedding nights and it is for their spouses. How cool is it that Elizabeth already has TWO wedding gifts for her future husband!?
Grandpa and Grandma kept all the boys so we could have a day with Elizabeth. We took her to Indianapolis to see a movie and out to dinner. The highlight, (for mommy anyway!)was when Elizabeth chose her purity ring. She chose the one that reads, "true love waits." She is so proud of her ring. I am proud of Elizabeth for making a choice today that will effect her for the rest of her life.