Ummm, yeah, that is me there. I didn't swallow a watermelon. That was taken last Sunday marking the 20th week of pregnancy. On May 11 we found out that God wants us to be a family of 7! This came as an absolute shock to me as MDR had a vasectomy 3 years ago.
After experiencing a panic attack in the bathroom and envisioning punching MDR in the face, I adjusted to the fact that we are going to be having another baby. Wow! Maybe I haven't fully adjusted.
This has, by far, been the most difficult pregnancy, emotionally. First, a baby, pregnancy... was NOT on the radar for this mama. I had hopes of going back to school to work on a nursing degree. I was enjoying all four kiddos being in school full time and still have a dream to write a book.... someday. Second, I thought was entering menopause or having thyroid trouble. My mom went through "the change" early. It made sense that some of the symptoms I was experiencing would indicate the same. Third, I am wired as a glass half empty person.... I really have to work at seeing things full! When I am not pregnant I take an antidepressant. So, you can imagine what emotions are like without medication and then add in the ever fluctuating hormones. I have been struggling... I am trusting that God will carry me and my poor husband and kids through this time.
The day I found out I was full of fear and scared. (Now, I am just tired!) I shared my fear with a friend and she led me to Jeremiah 29:11. It is a verse I am very familiar with: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I thanked her for sharing with me and I had a peace...for about an hour. In an effort to distract myself I went to a local thrift store on a quest for a piece of dining room furniture. While I am looking, I had (what I believe to be) a Holy Spirit moment. One of those times when God is trying to get my full attention. The name "Susanna Grace" was placed on my heart. I am looking around thinking, am I really experiencing what is going on?! I looked over and on the counter was a 3 ring binder filled with Bible name cards. I looked up Suzanne and the card, read, "lily of the valley." The verse? Jeremiah 29:11! I quickly looked up Grace. I don't remember which verse was on the card but I heard, "Karen, my grace is sufficient for you." How was I to process all of this? Did that mean, I was having a girl???
The next morning at the gym I was listening to my i-pod. The song Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman came on. Through that song, the Lord placed on my heart that this baby I am carrying is somehow a redemption. For that to make sense it would, most definitely, have to be a girl. (In 2002 I gave birth to Emma, born 16 weeks premature. Emma was only with us for about 35 hours before going to Jesus.) Was this going to be the sister, Elizabeth has always dreamed of having?! I could only dream!
Fast forward to August 16th, ultrasound day. I went in all excited that we would be seeing pink, once again... 3 brothers later, surely Elizabeth would be blessed with another sister!!! The doctor is scanning and scanning and can't find any genitals. The baby was lying in a breech position which made it impossible to see anything. Since I am a high risk pregnancy, I got to have a cervical ultrasound {enter sarcastic excitement there}. Once again, because of the baby's position, it was extremely difficult to see anything... I told Dr. I only wanted to know if it is a girl. He suggested that he would say "I'm not sure if it is a boy." Let's just say, he wasn't sure....
REALLY??? Are you kidding me??? Another boy??? Poor Elizabeth.... poor Mommy.... Dr. did say he wasn't positive and they would schedule another ultrasound. Although, I would love for September 1 to reveal that we will have another daughter, I am not getting my hopes up, again.
Here lies the struggle.... did I not really experience God in those early days? This has shaken me to the core. It is what Henry Blackeby refers to as a "crisis of belief." The past week has been extremely difficult for me and I have cried a lot. The dream of another daughter, a sister for Elizabeth, is most likely gone, once again. In a way, it has been like mourning Emma. Although we didn't get to make memories with her, it was the loss of the dreams and hopes we had for the little girl, daughter, sister. That is what I am experiencing.
People will ask what we are having. Am I excited to share we are having another son? No, not really. In time, I will be excited. That is why I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I would hate to be shocked like this at delivery. Will I love this baby, absolutely, I already do. Will I care for this baby, of course!
I just need time to work through this and get on with life. In the meantime, I thankful for a healthy, growing baby, kicking in the womb, regardless of the sex.
